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Friday, June 29, 2007

Day Before Closing Diary

8:30 AM- wake up, take dogs to kennel where they will be for the next couple of days. Start packing odds and ends in apartment and disassembling furniture.

12:00 noon- Go pick up 24 foot truck from Penske, (way better than U-Haul, I highly recommend them), while picking the truck up, receive distressing phone call from our realtor regarding the walk through that the buyer did earlier today saying that the buyers were mad that our stuff was still in the house.... wtf... almost have first crying moment of the day

12:30- am impressed with Nick's driving skills as he wips huge truck in and out of Chicago traffic

1:00- load up the big stuff from the apartment... playing a guessing game.. how much stuff can we fit in the truck from the apartment but still enough room to clean out the entire house and garage which we HAVE to get done TODAY

3:00-headed down to the house... traffic SUCKS...I fall asleep on Nick's lap, taking advantage of the huge bench seat in the truck.

4:00- arrive at house... start loading stuff...

5:00-realizing that we're completely screwed in terms of how much crap we have to get out of the house and into the truck, have second almost crying moment of the day. Getting fridges that are too big to fit through doorways unless you take off the doors out of a basement is a ROYAL PAIN!!! literally.

7:00- Make second phone call to our friend Ed... trying to convince him to come help. We need rescuing at this point. Nick's been hit in the head, elbow, arm, leg, by various doors and furniture items... I'm already exhausted, and we have NO IDEA how we're going to get all the stuff in the truck and how we'll finish before the closing at 8AM.

8:00- get more visits and interaction from the neighbors today than we've had over the last three years combined. They are sad to see us go (thanks), they want to know if we have anything we want to sell (sure, please PLEASE buy something... $20 bucks sells the dining room table), they want to know if they can have plants for our yard (sure, here's a piece of pionie that it takes me WAY LONGER THAN EXPECTED to dig out of the garden)

8:30- Impending depression mitigated by arrival of master moving-truck-packer, Ed, who has come to help us despite having a cold (thanks Ed!!). Also, at this point realize that we own a bunch of complete crap and that we would have rather burned it in a bon fire rather than move it.

9:59- get "dinner" from Wendy's just as they're closing.. go home and eat while sitting on floor with cardboard box as table.

11:00- Things are looking up. Ed has managed to jam pack the truck floor to ceiling, it looks like we might have room for everything after all.

12:30 AM- have almost everything moved out of the house... a lot of stuff siting on the front lawn waiting to go into the truck...

1:30- Holy crap! Ed, you're a freaking genius. I can't believe we got all that in the truck... even the bikes and potted plants. We leave one potted plant as a welcome to your new house gift for the buyers.

3:00- After driving truck back downtown to get garage opener we forgot from the pickup, finally arrive in Oak Park (about a mile from our new house) where we park our truck in front of the home of Nick's boss (thanks Susan!) Take blue line home for some SLEEP!!!!!

4:00 AM- finally go to bed (and by "bed" I mean left over futon mattress on floor, but hey, who's complaining)

Day one over!

Stay tuned to day two report. :)

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Packing With Kitties

Keenan reaches new heights by climbing on the disassembled bed to hang on top of the closet door.

Hey, I needed that box!

more moving news and photos later..

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

2 Days...

*puts the champaign on ice*
*looks for back brace to mitigate moving injuries*

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

At Least I'll Have Something To Blog About...

... is what I thought after the lady in the elevator today said to me "When is your baby due?" to which I replied "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat."

I can't blame her. As a matter of fact, I've been waiting on this moment for a while now. Just the other day I told my coworker that I even looked forward to it, because it would be funny. It was funny, but also kind of sad.

I think the lady felt pretty dumb. She was like "oh, I"m sorry, Oh, I'm so embarrassed... You're not fat!!!" LOL

I guess its just my luck that I got the gene that makes me carry almost all my excess weight right in front, creating a misleading foux baby bump.

At least now I know that other people do indeed notice too.... *sigh*


On Sunday, Nick and I were happy to march in our third (Gay) Pride Parade here in Chicago. For the record, Chicago's Pride Parade totally kicks butt. Its so much fun! and... I continue to be amazed that Pride is such a mainstream event here. Any politician who hopes to ever be re-elected, is in this parade... along with random local government offices, like the Mayors office of the Recorder of Deeds (the weirdest and most random one I saw this year.) We marched with the ACLU group, which was great. I argue that marching in the parade is much more fun than just watching the parade (although it is true that I've only ever marched and have never been a spectator). Its one of those times where you can go up to anyone on the street and go "Woooooooo!!!" and they'll go "WooooooOOOO!" back at you. I'm not sure exactly what the Woooo means... but it makes you feel good. Its like everyone is cheering for everyone else.

For those of you who might be confused as to why Nick and I (obviously a hetero couple) would march in a gay bride (haha, typo.. I mean pride) parade, well the answer is, we march as supporters... we are the "A" in the GLTBQQA (Gay, Lesbian, Trans, Bi, Queer, Questioning, and Allies). We believe that everyone, regardless of their orientation or identity, should be loved and accepted, and should have access to all the legal rights and protections as everyone else. Word!

I'd like to thank the GLTB crowed for letting is "breeders" participate in such a great shindig. We look forward to next year. Check out the pics below.

the ACLU group- "A-C-L-U We'll Fight For Them, They'll Fight For You"

We would have added "and Families" to the sign, but we aren't the ones who made it... And a Kilt, just cuz its fun! (I think we'll have to find a rainbow kilt next year)

Statue of Liberty hat symbolizing Liberty for everyone...

A few floats ahead of us, the Chipotle Burrito restaurant float... this was so clever I thought... (for those of you who don't know Spanish, "Como Estas?" is a typical greeting which means "How are you"... "Homo Estas?" means "are you Homo?" which kind of doesn't make any sense, but it sounds funny.

Monday, June 25, 2007

4 Days Holy Crap!

Thanks to my trusty blog countdown timer, I realized today that we have FOUR DAYS before we close on both houses. This means, we have four days to finish packing, pack a 22 foot truck with a house, apartment, and storage unit worth full of crap. It also means, in four days, we'll be shelling out more money than I've ever spent on anything. Just a bit But all in all, we are VERY excited. We look forward to being able to share our new digs with all of the famly and friends visitors we'll have in the future. We already have a in-laws slumber party scheduled (Nick's mom and step dad and my dad and step mom) for Labor day weekend. (We didn't go about planning a multiple in-law party, it just sort of worked out that way... but it should be fun.) We're very excited to be able to now offer our guests a real guest room (instead of a bed in the unfinished basement or a futon in the living room) as well as a real door with which to protect yourself from flying kitties (Keenan liked to hide in the rafters in the basement and jump onto the heads of our sleeping guests in the middle of the night) and/or needy puppies. Eventually, we will even have a guest bathroom, too! I feel like I'm writing an ad for "nick and jessica's bed and breakfast"... haha. We like having visitors, can you tell?

So yeah.... we're so excited... we have LOTS of work to do, but I'm sure it wont be long before we're enjoying our new place.


Friday, June 22, 2007

Why I Love the City

Hey blog people. So, yesterday on my walk home from work (down Michigan Ave. a couple of miles) I stopped at an intersection, waiting on the walky man, looked to my left and say this.

A guy with a bullhorn and a sandwich board talking about how Russia is making hostile moves against the U.S. by sending Russian spies to "walk the streets" in America, spy on us, and plan our demise.

Yeah, I know, the sign is illegible.. sorry. I didn't take this picture (I didn't have my camera), but lucky for me, someone else had taken his picture and had posted it on the web. Isn't the Internet great? At least, I'm about 90% sure that this is the same guy I saw. LOL.

When the light changed, I crossed the street and left Mr. Russia Is Taking Over the Planet Sandwhich Board Man behind...

I have no idea what's he's talking about (although I have been noticing that the Russian governmemt has taken to dissing us in public, lately) but he did provide a bit of entertainment on my walk home.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Random Thoughts

Hi blog people. I don't have enough of one subject to talk about to justify one big post, so instead, here are several (random) thoughts....

1) I tried something new and yummy this week. Don't let the "good for you"-ness scare you off. These little cookies (Kashi Chewey Oats and Chocolate Chips) are really freaking good, AND they are quite filling, which means I tend to only eat one, or maybe two, and then I'm not hungry for a couple of hours. The chocolate chips are all gooey. YUM

2) I hear on the radio today a story about a woman who, in an attempt to fully understand just how much trash one person produces, decided to carry around all of her trash for two weeks. Anything that she couldn't recycle or compost, she had to carry with her. This is a picture of how much trash she collected after ten days, which I find VERY impressive (how little there is). I think this is a cool idea. You can also read her blog here.

3) Dude. I'd like to say to whichever Hollywood exec who decided to film a movie outside my apartment (and therefore require that all the streets and alleys near the building be closed) during the same weekend that we had planned to move out of the apartment: you SUCK!

4) We harvested an onion from our garden a couple of days ago. Its about the size of a tennis ball. We haven't eaten it yet, so I dunno how tasty it is/will be.

5) and now for a little first world guilt, complements of YouTube

Ok, that's all I've got for now. :)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Welcome to the world, Lily Bliss, my new niece (Nick's brother's new baby).

The Leather Dilemma

Hi blog people. :) I am experiencing a conundrum. As you all know, Nick and I are moving into a new house in a couple of weeks. We've been planning to purchase a new (new to us, but used by someone else is okay too) sofa. We been living in Futon-landia for the last few years, and now we're ready for some "grown up" furniture. We're interested in a modern sectional with a chaise and a ottoman. We want to have plenty of room for all six of us (Nick and I, the two dogs, and the two cats) to pile up on it, as trying to keep the animals off it is a futile matter So, we know what style we want, we know what features we want, but we aren't sure what material we want it to be made of. The short story is: if we get leather then it will be much more durable in terms of dealing with dogs and cats on it all the time, and most importantly, animal hair wont stick to it. The problem is, I'm vegetarian, albeit a slacker. While I will eat food with "meat essence" (ie: chicken broth, fish oil etc) and while I do wear (am in fact wearing right at this moment) leather shoes/belts, I do still fancy myself a conscientious veggie and therefore am having conflicted feelings about purchasing a huge leather couch. The only reason I want leather is because of the animal hair repellent factor. If there was another material that would repel animal hair but wasn't the hide of a previously alive animal, I'd totally go for that. There is vinyl, but I find it uncomfortable and responsible for sweaty-bum and legs-stuck-to-seat syndrome. Also, vinyl has some major negative environmental implications. (for purposes of being fair, here is a pro-vinyl article provided by a PVC manufacteror)

So, what do I do? Kill some cows and feed more demand into the animal products industry? Or, go for the toxic synthetic material derived from a non-renewable resource? Or, do I just suck it up, get a couch with cotton (or whatever) upholstery, and just deal with the animal hair colony which will be a certainty?

Monday, June 18, 2007

Before I Forget

So, when Nick and I got married last August, we told most of you that it was okay that we didn't invite you to our extreme-short notice wedding because we said we'd have a big party this year which would act as a sort of wedding reception (with a one year delay). We'll I need to let you know that we haven't made ANY arrangements for a reception, so we probably wont be having one. We are lame, that's right. :) Of course, you are all welcome to visit us at any time. I'm just sorry I wont get to have John Kamp-DJ play my reception, since there will be no reception.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Burbs

Nick and I took a drive (what else would you take?) through our future home in the burbs yesterday. We wanted to check out the area west of Forest Park. We found the following:

Kohls, that's cool...

Ok, its true. I get really excited about Olive Garden (like jump up and down excited)... so that's cool.

And THEN we saw THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I think it jumped in the car when we were at a gas station. First, I thought I felt it on my foot. Then, I thought I felt in on my hand. But, since I couldn't actually see it anywhere, I (and Nick) managed to convince myself that I was just imagining it. BUT THEN, as we stopped at a red light a few blocks from our apartment... I FOUND IT crawling up the edge my my seat... that's NOT COOL. I totally freaked out... I jumped out of the car, shook myself off... and starting walking home. No way was I getting back in the car with that thing. I'm sure that the people in cars around us thought that Nick and I had just had a big fight or something... Its not him.. it CICADA OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 15, 2007


Hey blog people. This is a post about books. A lot of my blog friends regularly write book review / book list blogs. I've tried writing a couple of book reviews, but they end up being lame, so I've decided to take the minimalist approach and smush all my book related stuff into this one post. So here goes...

Thanks to the wonders of and my iPod, I've been knocking out books right and left (at least, in comparison to my usual "can't finish a book in less than a year" habits). In the past couple of months I've finished the following books:

The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan
Notes: I really enjoyed this book. It fallows the domestication history of four plants (apple, tulip, potato, and pot) and liked to throw around the idea that its not we who are domesticating the plants for our ends but instead it is the plants who are using us for their ends. This book taught me that Johnny Appleseed was a wierdo; Witches' broomsticks have a much less wholesome origin than you might think; pot and hemp are actually two completely different plants (despite the dumb laws we have that fail to recognize this); and that there used to be a futures market based on tulip bulbs in Holland.

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
Notes: This was the second book I read by Michael Pollan (who I am becoming obsessed with). This book follows a meal from field to plate, telling you way more than you wanted to know about where your food comes from. This book taught me that: "organic" foods aren't necessarily environmentally sound; where the food is produced is just as important as how its produced; industrial agriculture is even more repulsive than I thought; Idaho potato farmers wont eat their own potatoes; Monsanto managed to get potatoes to produce their own pesticides; and (because this list can't go on forever, cuz I have to get to other books) the Yellow Delicious in my supermarket is genetically identical to the Yellow Delicious in yours.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
Notes: Ok, so I finally read this because a) I thought it was about time I understood why the number 42 is so important to the bibliophile and b) because Nick threatened to divorce me if I didn't get with it and finally read this universally understood to be awsome book (just kidding). This book didn't teach me much, but it was funny and more entertaining that I expected.

On Beauty by Zadie Smith
Notes: I can't remember why I bought this book. By the time I downloaded it from Audible, I had forgotten what it was about or why I was ever interested in it. It has a slow-ish start but I ended up getting into it and enjoying it very much. There was so much drama and people sleeping with people that they shouldn't be sleeping with, that this would make a "great" movie or maybe even, better yet, a Lifetime Original movie. This book didn't teach me much either, but it does moderately successfully discuss issues of race (the main family in the book are mixed race) which was interesting.

Currently reading:
The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman
What I think so far: very funny at times, kind of teadious at others. Definitely not a plot or thesis driven book. I dunno how its gonna go over in audiobook format (the old fassioned paper and ink book might be more conducive... although I get the feeling that the audiobook itself is treated as a performace, complete with live music etc.)

Books To Read Next:
Notes on a Scandal: What Was She Thinking? by Zoe Heller
The Assault On Reason by Al Gore
A People's History of the United States by Howard Zin
Death By Black Hole by Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri

I also bought a book called The Chicago "L" by Greg Borzo at the Printer's Row Book Fair which was last weekend. Unfortunately I have to use m eyeballs to read this one (but it does have tons of pictures) so it might take me a while to finish.

So yeah, there y'a go. I hope that was entertaining. LOL

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Finally Approved!

Hey there blog people! I am happy because I just received a "Congratulations! It is my pleasure to notify you that your application for a mortgage has been approved" letter. I've been basically holding my breath waiting on this for a couple of weeks now. Wow, its really happening folks! I'm about to make a huge purchase and incur a massive amount of debt. Sweet!!!

The other big news is that we've changed the closing date for our purchase to June 29, so that the closing for the sale of the Loomis house and the closing for the purchase of the new house are on the same day. This is exciting because it means we get to move into the new house two weeks earlier than we had expected. Yay!

So yeah, that's the news. :) Hope you are all doing well.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Picture Time

Hey blog people. I hope you all had a nice weekend. We sure did. We went down to the house to do some work (mostly trimming tree limbs which turned out to be a bigger job than we thought; man those limbs sure look bigger when they're on the ground and you're trying to squeeze them into a trash can) and also to water the plants and generally enjoy the yard. Our friend Ed came over and we had a cookout. It was so nice! Also, I harvested some veggies from the garden. It always amazes me how excited I get about harvesting actual food from my yard and eating it. Here are some pictures:

Collard Greens

Lettuce and Spinach

Yay for veggies.

Ok, amd now (just because its impossible to have too much kitty cuteness) here's a picture from a couple of weeks ago when I found the kitties enjoying a nice lounge and lick-fest in a tub of CLEAN laundry. (geez)

El fin. Hasta Luego. :)

Friday, June 8, 2007

Wardrobe Malfunction

I had a wardrobe malfunction today... wanna hear? So, I knew it was supposed to be really windy here today, but it's also quite warm so I wanted to where a skirt. I chose one that hits me just below the knees... I thought that would give me plenty of room for the skirt to blow around a bit without actually causing a problem. Well, I was wrong. When I exited my building, about the first thing that happened was my skirt got caught on the vortex of wind between my building and the tall building next door. It tried to turn completely inside out, but I caught it before I flashed anyone. But then, I'm stuck wearing this skirt all day (I should have gone home and changed right then, but I didn't). So on my way between the bus stop and my office, I had to hold both sides of my skirt down. It was uncomfortable to walk like that, and I'm sure it looked weird. I was glad to make it to the windless comfort of my office. I went to the ladies room around 10:30 for my usual morning pee and when I sat down and pulled down my underwear I REALIZED THAT I HAD ACCIDENTALLY PUT ON A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR THAT THE DOG HAD EATEN THE CROTCH OUT OF... so there I was... a skirt that wanted to fly over my head and a pair of underwear with a huge hole in the crotch. I have no idea how I put on those underwear without noticing that half of them was missing. Sheesh. So, on my lunch break, I waddled (holding my skirt down on both sides) down to the H&M and bought a pair of pants. Because I wanted to try on the pants before I bought them and because I had no crotch in my underwear and I didn't want to inflict my crotch on clothes that I wasn't sure I was going to buy, I also got a pair of underwear there too.. I took it into the dressing room and put the new underwear on before trying on the pants... then took them off, put on my stupid skirt again and went and bought both underwear and pants. Then, because H&M doesn't have a bathroom and because I couldn't figure out how to change into the pants and underwear after I had purchased them without H&M thinking I was trying to steal something, I waddled next door to the Borders Bookstore and changed in their bathroom. Sheesh. What an ordeal!!! I learned a lesson today. NEVER WEAR SKIRTS WHEN ITS WINDY and NEVER WEAR UNDERWEAR WITHOUT A CROTCH (unless you're into that sorta thing).

Thursday, June 7, 2007


Hey. Just a quick note to tell you that if you go to this link you can stream the entire Once soundtrack (that's the movie I mentioned here about a week ago). I highly recommend the movie and the soundtrack. Check it out.

I've re-posted the trailer again. I'm obsessed with the movie. Can you tell?

Also, don't miss my other post from today (below).

More House News

Hey blog people. I am so happy right now, so I thought I'd (sort of have to) share. The sale of the "south house' is moving along. Things were looking bleak on Tuesday when we received two pages of repair requests from them. We replied saying that we'd do the small / understandable stuff (like fix the leaky sink, have the furnace serviced, secure a wobbly light in the basement, trim the tree limbs so they don't touch the electric wire, etc). We also offered them $1,000 closing credit toward the roof work they requested. This morning I received the news that they accepted all our terms. This is particularly exciting because it means WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE FREAK'N ROOF ANYMORE!!!!!!!! Hale-freak'n-luja!!! So, now we're set to close on the 29th of June. I've added a countdown timer to my blog (look up) so I can happily watch the days of us owning the south house roll by. I wanted a cooler, bigger font, brighter colored timer, but this is the only javascript I could find that I could actually get to work. If anyone knows of any cooler javascript timers I can cut and paste, let me know.

As far as the new Forest Park house... Although there are still a couple issues in the air (aka: so are they gonna cut the freak'n tree limbs that are obviously hanging on the wire or what?), the deal is pretty much a sure thing at this point. The only thing that we're waiting on is the mortgage to be finalized. We've already locked in a rate, but apparently we're not actually fully approved yet. Hopefully we'll be getting the go ahead on that in a couple weeks. The closing for the new house is July 16th. I tried to add a countdown timer for this as well, using the same script (with the end date changed) as I did for the other one, but for some reason, when I go to add a second timer, the first timer gets all fucked up. Apparently, there's something in the script that's only allowing me to have one timer on my page... If anyone knows how to fix this / how I can get a second countdown timer on my blog, let me know.

So, that's the news!!! Of course, we still have tons of stuff to do... including moving all our stuff out of the old house and into storage before the 30th. I think we might have a yard sale to try to get rid of some of this stuff. When we move into the new house, we'll have stuff from two different locations (apartment downtown and storage unit down south) to move to the house. That should be fun. (not). In the mean time, I have to talk to my knew neighbors and give them the news that we're having a privacy fence installed and ask them if they want my fence company to pull up their chain link fence (for 3$ a square foot). I hope they are nice.

But all in all, I am very happy. Things are moving along well. I can't wait to get into the new house!!!! YAY!!!

Monday, June 4, 2007

What I Did This Weekend

Lame Post Alert: The following post is, at most, marginally entertaining. But, it does not involve any house buying talk, if that helps.

This weekend, Nick and I went to see a movie in the actual theater. Its been a while since we've done that.

I'm sure most of you have heard of it by now. Its the new movie by the director who did 40 Year Old Virgin. The movie was heavily promoted, which is probably why we couldn't even get tickets on Friday night. While I loved 40 Year Old Virgin and I was looking forward to Knocked Up, its not like a felt a huge need to see it on its opening night. I just wanted to go to the movies. Did I like it? Well, yes. It was actually quite good, although not as good as 40 Year Old Virgin. And, it had a big point of weirdness for me at the end when, for about ten seconds, I thought to myself "oh, that's why people have kids, I get it, I want to do that", which is, if you know me, highly out of character. But, I'm over it now and am happily back in "no kids for me" land. But yeah, its a good movie. Maybe not worth the price of seeing it in the theater, although laughing along with a theater full of people is kind of fun, it s not like you'd miss anything by watching it at home instead of on the actual "big screen". Here's the trailer, if by some chance, you have no idea what I'm talking about.

We ended up seeing the movie on Saturday night, since we couldn't get tickets on Friday. After being turned away at the box office on Friday night, we wondered over to the Virgin Megastore, which is going out of business, sadly enough, and ended up spending around $135 on eight CD's. I can't remember the last time I spent that much on CD's. We got the new Arcade Fire CD, a solo CD by Cranberries singer Dolores O'Rordan, a CD called The Cost from an Irish band called The Frames the front man of which is Glen Hansard who is the Irish single dude in the new movie Once (which totally rocks the same movie I posted the trailer of last week here on my blog), some Ramones CD (that was all Nick, not that I don't think they're cool, I'm just not quite as into them as he is), some CD by some other band who's name I can't remember right now (but the CD is pretty good), and a few compilation CD's which were cheap for a lot of music with dance / cool groovy mood tracks by various artists. I think that's it. I'll let you know if any of them are noteworthy. So far, I've listened to the Dolores O'Rordan CD a couple of times and enough times to say that it definitely rocks. If you like the Cranberries and if you like chicks that rock, you'll like this one. It looks like you can stream a couple tracks from the new CD on her myspace page.

We have also discovered a really cool board game called Blockus. Its one of those raally easy to learn with few rules, but actually harder than it looks games. Its won lots of awards for being a good mind exercise type game, so I guess you could say that its good brain food. It looks like there are a couple different versions of the game. We have the regular Blockus, as opposed to the Blockus Trigon or Travel Blockus. We find it particularly cool cuz its not based on trivia knowledge, and therefore doesn't mean that Nick (Trivia God himself) will automatically win every game. We carried the game to Fado Irish Pub (some of you celebrated New Years 2005 there with me) and played with some friends while enjoying some brews. It was cool. And... in response to the homeless dude who, upon seeing Nick walk by carrying the Blockus box which is similar in size and shape to a pizza box, yelled out "Give me a Slice" and then adding "I'm a Republican" as if that would convince us.... the answer is: First of all, its not food. Secondly, if you're telling us that you're republican because you think that we're republicans and would give you a slice of our nonexistent pizza based on your political persuasion, you should know that a) we aren't republicans!!!!!! and b) we don't believe you are either. and c) its still not food. Sorry.